Navigating Triggers from a Narcissistic Ex: Tools for Healing and Empowerment
When you’ve been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, it changes the way you respond to the world—even years after the relationship ends. Triggers can come out of nowhere, throwing your entire system into survival mode, reigniting old wounds you thought were healed. This post is about what happens when a narcissistic ex resurfaces with manipulative behavior, how that can impact your peace, and the practical, grounded tools you can use to regulate, reset, and reclaim your power.
The Unexpected Trigger
Recently, I experienced a strong emotional setback when my ex—someone I had spent years trying to co-parent with after a deeply traumatic relationship—reactivated all of my old wounds in a single phone call. After years of minimal contact and relative peace, I let my guard down. I believed, maybe, we had moved past the worst of it. That moment of peace was shattered with one outburst from him, and it pulled me back emotionally to a time I thought I had left behind.
If you’ve ever dealt with someone narcissistic or emotionally manipulative, you know how jarring it is when they suddenly act out. You might feel irrational, overly emotional, and angry. But here’s the truth: you are not irrational. Your nervous system is responding to a perceived threat that used to be very real.
Why Narcissists Trigger Us Even Years Later
Even when a narcissistic person no longer has access to your daily life, the energetic imprint of their manipulation can remain. That’s because trauma lives in the body. The sigh of relief you feel when they’ve been quiet for a while can lull you into thinking they’ve changed. But when they reappear in full force—accusatory, belittling, irrational—it takes your system right back to the original trauma.
For me, that meant the entire day of my body going into “fight-or-flight” mode all over a five-minute interaction with said narcissist. And that’s not weakness. That’s trauma memory. And it’s exactly why it’s so important to have practical tools for healing and recovery.
This experience gave me an opportunity to remember, reclaim, and reinforce the tools I’ve picked up through this healing journey. Below are tactical and compassionate strategies that have helped me (and can help you too!) when narcissistic wounds unexpectedly resurface.
1. Understand the Narcissistic Playbook
When you know what to expect, you’re less likely to internalize the behavior.
- They will flip the script. Even when you present facts calmly and clearly, they’ll find a way to make you the villain.
- They don’t follow their own rules. What applies to you never applies to them. Control is their game.
- They rarely validate. The apology or acknowledgment you want won’t come, and that’s part of what makes it so infuriating.
Knowing this helps you remember: it’s not about you. It never was.
2. Practice Self-Compassion, Not Self-Judgment
One of the first things I noticed was how quickly I started blaming myself: “I should’ve bounced back quicker.” “I should’ve handled that better.” Nope.
Your nervous system was reacting to a deeply embedded pattern. That’s not failure. That’s proof you’re human!
Try This Instead:
- Speak to yourself like you would to a friend: “You were triggered. It happens. You’re doing your best.”
- Remind yourself: “This doesn’t undo all the healing I’ve done.”
3. Detach With Love
You don’t need to defend, explain, or justify your boundaries. One of the most powerful things you can do is detach.
Detachment isn’t cold. It’s kind. It’s saying, “I don’t need this person to understand me in order for me to be at peace.”
Try This:
- Keep responses brief and neutral. Use the Grey Rock Method.
- Avoid overexplaining. State what is needed, then step back.
4. Journaling: Processing Through the Page
Writing is powerful medicine. When your mind feels chaotic, journaling helps you separate yourself from the story. Try:
Journal Prompts:
- What specifically triggered me in that moment?
- What old feelings or memories did it bring up?
- What do I wish I had said or done?
- What do I need in order to feel safe and supported right now?
- How can I support my inner child through this?
Your journal is a judgment-free zone—a place to process without filtering. Let it all pour out!
5. Regulate Your Nervous System
Narcissistic abuse doesn’t just hurt your heart—it destabilizes your entire nervous system. When triggered, your body may enter fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
Here are tools that bring your system back to safety:
- Tapping (EFT): Stimulates acupressure points to calm the amygdala (the brain’s fear center).
- Box Breathing: Inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4. Repeat.
- Cold water: Splashing cold water on your face can reset your vagus nerve.
- Grounding: Place your feet on the floor and name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.
These are not “woo” methods—they are body-based tools rooted in science that help reestablish a sense of safety.
6. Gratitude as a Reset
When anger or anxiety are flooding your body, it can feel impossible to shift out of that state. But gratitude activates the same part of the brain as fear—which means fear can’t live in the brain at the same time as gratitude.
Start small. Out loud or in writing, state what you’re grateful for:
- “I’m grateful for my breath.”
- “I’m grateful for this safe home.”
- “I’m grateful I get to choose peace.”
Over time, this becomes an anchor. A practice. A protective layer of resilience.
7. Lean on Safe Support
Not everyone will get it—especially if they haven’t witnessed your history with this person. That doesn’t make them unloving. It just means they haven’t walked your path. Some might be unable to provide the proper support you require during this time…
Find those few people who do know. Call them. Text them. Be witnessed.
8. Reframing the Setback
The truth is, healing isn’t linear. I thought I had “graduated” from being triggered by my ex. But what I learned was even more valuable:
Healing isn’t about never getting triggered again. It’s about how quickly you can come back to yourself.
Even if it takes a day or two, even if you wobble, even if you say the wrong thing—what matters is how you respond next.
That moment doesn’t define you. And neither does your past.
FINAL THOUGHTS: You’re Not Alone
If you’re navigating life after narcissistic abuse—especially while co-parenting—it’s going to be messy.
And yet, you are powerful.
You are healing.
You are showing up in a way that your past self would be in awe of!
Practice your tools. Hold compassion for your reactions. Keep choosing peace.
You’ve got this. 🙌
Bonus Resources:
- [Link to EFT tapping video or guide]
- [Recommended book: “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk]
- [Support group or community forum suggestion]
If you found this post helpful, please share it with someone else on their healing journey. And if you want more practical tools like these delivered straight to your inbox, subscribe to my blog.
Your peace is worth protecting. Always. 🙏
Hi, I’m Maisha — a curious soul, deep feeler, and Type 1 Diabetic on a journey of healing and wholehearted living. Altruism Prism is my little corner of the internet where I reflect on the messy, beautiful work of building deeper relationships — with myself, with others, and with God.